Jack Handey

Jack Handey

1. ”If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”

2. ”I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you’re in midair, you still hit those brakes.”

3. ”If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”

4. ”One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. ‘Oh, no,’ I said, ‘Disneyland burned down.’ He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.”

5. ”Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth.”

6. ”It takes a big man to cry but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”

7. ”If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him, is probably a joke that gets old really fast.”

8. ”Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, ‘Aw, who cares?’ And then I think, ‘Hey, what’s for supper?”

9. “In weightlifting, I don’t think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.”

10. ”Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.”

11. ”Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.”

12. ”A funny thing is if you’re out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you’re going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who’s going to get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That’s why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.”

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